‘CURTAIN CALL’

Kim and Gordon are walking on an empty road at night. Gordon is trailing behind Kim.

GORDON

Hey! Kim! Wait up! (Panting) I can’t keep up. I’m ready to burst here!

KIM

(Walking ahead) Hey look, you should’ve gone to the toilet when you had the chance.

GORDON

(Standing still) You know I can’t just… go whenever. My bladder does it’s own thing.It’s mysterious — like the lord! My bladder works in mysterious ways.

KIM

(Stops walking) Our bladder who art in heaven. Yellow be thy name.

GORDON

(Laughs)That’s good, but please don’t make me laugh. I really gotta go.

KIM

(Turns around) You should’ve thought of that before you drank whatever the hell type of drink you drank that went through you so quick.

GORDON

Ok ok. Calm the heck down. I’m just going to do it here… No one’s around.

KIM

Wait! (Walks towards him) No no no no. You’re not doing it here. That’s disgusting. 

GORDON

I have no qualms with being disgusting, so whatever.

KIM

I swear I’ll punch you. Straight in the lord.

GORDON

Go for it. It’ll come out quicker that way.

KIM

Or it’ll explode… (mutters) taking the rest of the body with it.

GORDON

I think its’s more likely to rupture. Like a balloon. A fleshy water balloon.

KIM

How the hell do I get myself in these situations.

GORDON

If you just go have your breakdown a little bit further… (motions down the road) I can’t go when people are around.

KIM

You’re not doing it here! It’s disgusting!

GORDON

Well have you got a bottle then?

KIM

I wish I had a bottle. A glass one. The type that breaks into a thousand pieces when you smash it on someone’s head.

GORDON

I’ll just go over there. (Points back)

KIM

Just suck it up. Let’s keep moving.

GORDON

Suck it up? Er… it’s not a leaf blower. It doesn’t have a vacuum setting too. It’s one way!

KIM

You’d be far more useful if it had more than one setting…

GORDON

How long left?

KIM

Look how am I supposed to know. We have to keep moving.

GORDON

Ok I’ll catch you up.

KIM

Why? (She realises why) No! It’s anti-social behaviour!

GORDON

Oh come on. Everyone does it. You think the ground your standing on now hasn’t been anointed by some drunk? Probably more a than once…

KIM

(Moves to a different spot)I hate you so much.

GORDON

Where do you think the term ‘yellow brick road’ came from!

KIM

Oh shut up. Just hurry up so we can move on you horrible human being. (She walks forward giving him space)

GORDON

Ok great. Finally.

Kim walks further down the road at a slow pace.

KIM

(Talking to herself) I wonder why it was a yellow brick road… out of all the colours. Why yellow?

GORDON

(Shouting) Kim! Hey!

KIM

(Stops walking and turns around) What, done the deed already?

Gordon catches up to her.

GORDON

(Panting) Well… er, no.

KIM

What.

GORDON

Funny story.

KIM

Yeah…

GORDON

It didn’t come out.

KIM 

I’m sorry… wait.

GORDON

Yeah it never came out…

KIM

It never… came out.

GORDON

Yeah. Out.

KIM

So…

GORDON

I tried don’t think I didn’t try.

I pushed and pushed but — I told you my bladder was mysterious!

They stand in silence as the wind rustles by.

GORDON

Do you think the man behind the curtain would have difficulty relieving himself unless his curtain is drawn?

Kim turns around and walks away. 

GORDON

Kim? 

Kim speeds up her walking.

GORDON

Hey! Kim! Wait up!

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