DE MAMBO COLLECTIBLES

Vial of Bin Juice

Some people say that if you carry a vial of bin juice around with you, magical things will happen. There’s only one way to find out, so why don’t you try it and report back to the developers of this game with your findings.

Lump of Coal

Sadly this digital lump of coal is actually way worse than a real-life lump of coal, since at least you can throw the real one at your enemies or use it as an effigy and pray to Coal-thulhu, the elder god of sedimentary despair.

$500 Sunglasses

A pair of expensive sunglasses, reminiscent of something you might see on a washed out Hollywoo action star from the 90’s.

Yigsaw

A jigsaw puzzle of a very intriguing snake-like figure. The puzzle seems to originate from Oklahoma and is a perfect gift for any ophidiophobics you may know of, as it will send them reeling with this slithery jigsaw feeling.

Silver Wig

I still don’t know who killed the chauffeur, or what this has to do with De Mambo.

Red Wheelbarrow

So much depends upon the person writing this to be bothered to write this.

Toe-knife

A wonderful utensil to keep one’s toes nice and clean. Since it doubles as a regular kitchen knife too, any food prep you may need to do is also covered.

Cheesepaste

Say no to boring old mint and instead say cheese, with the best flavoured toothpaste not yet conceived! For those of you in need of some cheesy fresh goodness.

Attractive Toenail

No one knows why this toenail is so darn attractive, but it is. Some say it belongs in a museum… a museum of attractive toenails.

Telephone Cheesecake

Dial ‘C’ for Cheesecake with this scrumptious, edible telephone, perfect for those times you need a snack whilst ordering takeout. Disclaimer – consumption of electrical parts will lead to death and is not advised.

Ice-cream Dinosaur

A melting hulk, the Ice-cream Dinosaur towers above you, dripping bits of creamy goodness into your aghast mouth, as you ponder the meaning of it all before the brain freeze kicks in and you become a tyrannosaurus wreck.

De Mamb O’s

De Mamb O’s, the best way to start your day and the worst way to end it… since that means you were too destitute to have a warm, evening meal and instead resorted to cereal.

De Mambo Fidget Spinner

In the year XX17, an alien species of unimaginable intelligence decided to test humanity by creating a device so hideous, it would enslave only the weakest of minds. Let’s just say humanity didn’t—wait… the spinning… it doesn’t stop. It just keeps on spinning. On and on. Spinning. Like an endless waltz. Spinning.

Speedy GonzaLuce

Some say that if you rub the belly of the Speedy GonzaLuce figure, space-time will actually distort around you and all your friends will die of old age from waiting for you for so long. It will also decrease your height.

Pineapple Pumpkin

Thought to be an ancient relic from a long lost cult of renaissance tigers, the pineapple pumpkin is a symbol of final severity.

Soggy Seatbelt

The case of the soggy seatbelt is one of the most perplexing mysteries to grace Mambokind. From where did it come from? What does it want? Why does it exist? Why is it perpetually soggy? No one knows the answer to these questions and it’s likely no one ever will.

Demonade

In a fiery place south of the border, the local breed of bovine are a blazing shade of deep red, peppered with pitch-black rorschach spots. Instead of milk, these bovine beauties produce Demonade, a bitter tasting nectar that will put hairs on your chest and a third ear on your inner thigh.

De Mambonichi

An A6 planner with a removable cover, created by a legendary copywriter turned philosopher. The De Mambonichi’s spicy cover is based on the fictitious video game ‘De Mambo’ that supposedly released in 2017.

De Mambus

The De Mambus was created to celebrate the launch of the Hollywood De Mambo movie, but got recalled after a nasty incident—one of the designers had the bright idea that the bus should imitate the ‘spike attack’ from the game. 23 passengers were injured.

De Mambo Flyer

A thin piece of card used to promote the imaginary video game ‘De Mambo’. There is a secret message hidden somewhere on the flyer, so if you managed to get one in real life—oh wait, I’ve said too much.

De Mambo Badges

De Mambo badges were used as a token to secretly initiate members into the cult of Mambo. By taking one, members signed an unwritten contract that will be fulfilled in due course.

De Mambo Roller Banner

A glorious roller banner with a marvellous De Mambo skull and crossbones printed on it, which sadly never existed in real life because our know-it-all designer instead chose to go with a boring design that ‘fit the brand’, instead of my idea that would’ve been cool.

De Mambo Poster

A De Mambo poster signed by Danny Andre with the phrase “Bird Up!” written above his signature and a crudely drawn image of what looks like a penguin next to it.

De Mamball

A handmade plushie created by one of the original creators of De Mambo. The De Mamball looks like a harmless tool for promotion but in actuality is a Voodoo doll created to harm an as of yet unknown victim. If you know of anyone who mysteriously feels like they are being gently prodded or dropped on the floor, then please don’t hesitate to contact us so we can report this to the proper authorities.

De Mambo Headphones

The official De Mambo headphones did not allow users to listen to music and instead drove many people clinically insane by repeatedly playing the ‘Wormb’ sound effect from the game. Although those who enjoyed the sound became enlightened and achieved neuro-atomic metaphysiological awareness.

De Mambo Mayonnaise

De Mambo Mayonnaise or De Mambonaise as it called by fans, is an officially branded mayonnaise that comes in three flavours: Spike, Spin and Shoot, each with an increasing level of spiciness. Some odd individuals enjoy eating the mayonnaise with a bowl of corn-flaked cereal.

De Mambo Catsup

After the success of De Mambo Mayonnaise, De Mambo Catsup was created to corner the condiment market and create a De Monopoly. People say it was The Dangerous Kitchen’s goal all along judging by their name…

De Mambo Lisa

Leonardo De Vinci’s masterpiece, the De Mambo Lisa is the secret to unlocking the fabled De Vinci Code, which tells of the secret life of the secret Pizziah, Cheesus Crust and his secret companion Mary Marinara. 

De Mambo Knife and Fork

These battery-operated knives and forks were from a knock-off De Mambo set of cutlery sold in cheap variety stores across the world. If you press the charge button and release, the knife and fork will vibrate giving the impression that they can slice or stab better than a regular pair, but in reality, this only led to an increase in messy mealtimes.

De Mambo Sunflower

The De Mambo Sunflower is an occult symbol of the excruciating uneasiness you feel when you need the toilet but there isn’t one nearby. Coincidentally it’s also a tasty snack that will help relieve you of any unwanted contents you may or may not have accumulated deep within.

Salmon King Action Figure

An action figure based on that old tv show Salmon King, which was about some guy called Yeoh Asakura, his fiancé Anna Isaacovitch and some kind of fishing tournament every 500 years or something.

De Mandril

Cometh the moment. Cometh De Mandrill.

Fully-Clothed Lunch

Did I ever tell you about the man who taught his Mambo to talk?

Womb Plushie

A soft mass of comfy stuffing, encased within a skin of soft felt, the Wormb plushie feels well made but it lacks the ungodly stench its in-game counterparts are known for.

Wormb Sound Effect Keyring

Some people say that the obnoxiously loud Wormb Sound Effect Keyring is annoying—these people are deadly wrong and you should cut ties and avoid them at all costs.

Wormb Bedsheets

The Wormb bedsheets were designed to be waterproof to prevent any accidental increases of fluidity that may occur during the long night. Thankfully the designers had good foresight and decided to give the bedsheets a slight yellow tinge to stop any potential discolouration.

Smelly Socks

No description is needed here because your imagination can already smell these socks. Just close your eyes and let your mind’s nose do all the work.

Even Smellier Socks

No description is needed here because your imagination can already smell these wretched socks. Just close your eyes and let your mind’s nose sink into the noisome swamp these socks project into your mind.

Death Socks

No description can do these devilish socks justice. Close your eyes if you’re brave enough and plunge nose first into the ungodly cesspool that infinitely expands like the miasmic bouquet of suffering these socks intrinsically are.

Eye of the Pineapple

The Eye of the Pineapple is the path to enlightenment one achieves when they understand that the highest form of beauty is that of the pineapple. Only one who can sincerely see the sultry and seductive pineapple for what it truly is, will become enlightened.

Book of Chilean Poetry

“Who sings the song? No one. The singing sings, the singing sings, not as the bird, but as the song of the bird.”

Gummy Mambo De Milo

A gummy replica of the precious Mambo De Milo sculpture. This sweet, sweet candy was crafted by gummy artisans who work in the exclusive medium of gummy.

Necromambocon

Not much is known about this arcane book of the damned, other than it supposedly contains forbidden knowledge on how to summon the Old Mambos in all their terrifyingly enchanting glory.

Yooksin Keychain

A keychain for the unreleased video game Yooksin that was supposed to release before De Mambo but got sidelined. Echoes of Yooksin live on in the hearts and minds of those who glimpsed its potential beauty. Good night sweet prince.

Yooksin Sea Wallpaper

Based on The Dangerous Kitchen’s lost magnum opus Yooksin, this watery wallpaper was designed to nautically arouse you with its seafaring splendour. 

Yooksin Fish

Yook-Fish are the reason why fish hide their fish-wallets in despair when perusing the ocean. Yook-Fish are known as those sleazy money-grabbers who will stop at nothing to beg you for some spare fish-change.

De Mambo Plot

The only way to read the official De Mambo plot, to find out the terrible secrets hidden within it and to glimpse at the much talked about legendary De Mambo timeline, is to read this book.

Rancid Ponytail

A split-end ridden, gratuitously greasy ponytail cut off from a person who shall not be named. After years of saying they would, this person finally decided to cut off the rancid ponytail to better fit in with society, but sadly they were never the same again…

Incomprehensible Art

Art made by a grossly pretentious person who draws random squiggles that make no sense. All in order to hypnotise any on-lookers to hide the fact that he lacks any drawing ability.

Toothbrush of Doom

Probably the most doom-filled toothbrush to ever exist in the hearts and minds of all humanity, this doom-brush was created by a whimsical mastermind who permeates his hunger through the very collected unconscious itself. Some say that the reason the toothbrush is so full of doom is because he used it on his mangy teeth.

Giger Underwear

These biomechanical undies may not look comfortable to wear by the general dark and oppressive ambiance they give off, but surprisingly they are extremely soft and will support your undercarriage delightfully.

Slimy Airplane Tofu

A jiggling mass of wretched tofu, vile in every way imaginable; this pile of nondescript emptiness will echo mediocre down your throat and journey forebodingly into your stomach, rendering you immobile with a profane sadness.

Undercrab

The underside of a crab in all its under-glory.

Pizza Pizza Cutter

The handle of this Pizza Pizza Cutter is shaped like a slice of pizza and so it was nicknamed the ‘Pizzception’ by its previous owner.

Tanaka Chips

A really hip bag of potato chips made in Japan, Tanaka Chips were designed so that each of the eight chip types make a different sound when you crunch them. This feature is aptly titled ‘Chiptune’ and was very popular in the eighties.

Melty Banana

A truly original banana, this melty banana is very noisy and sometimes puts people off with its high-pitched banana sound, but its experimental nature is truly a sight to behold.

Zircon Tweezers

Encrusted with Zircon, this pair of heavy-duty tweezers are mighty grand and just because the sun has a place in the sky, there’s no reason to assume you shouldn’t give them a try.

Dental Floss

A pack of dental floss… from Montana.

The Not-So-Dangerous Kitchen

The greatest games company the world has ever known, who churn out classic after classic with no end in sight. Their UI is considered the best in the business and their games use every button on a games controller.

Toothpaste Sandwich

Two pieces of bread, glued together in unholy matrimony by an even spread of toothpaste. Goes great with any leftover floss you might have lying around and a swig of mouthwash to seal the deal.

Black and Pink Napkins

A set of simple napkins that come in either black or pink.

Burned Polaroid

A burned Polaroid with burn marks partially obscuring a figure and what seems to be a Mexican skyline. By looking at the barely visible sky, it almost seems as if it was taken just before a storm.

Space Polaroid

A futuristic Polaroid from beyond the moon. These Space Polaroids are different to the normal kind in that they are shot in widescreen with some varieties capable of capturing a small section of video, but these are very rare.

Fried Wild Greens

A simple sauté of greens, fried wildly.

Seoul Dracula CD

Get your blood pumping and hot with this obscure Korean CD from 1977 and savour the strange synthesis of Disco and Dracula that is Seoul Dracula.

Leaves of Grass Book

The perfect reading material for when you need to save your game.

De Mambo Toilet Seat

The Dangerous Kitchen, known for their insane esoteric innovation, went too far with the De Mambo toilet seat. Not content with just a simple everyday toilet seat, they instead decided to give the world it’s first (and last) edible toilet seat. They went out of business shortly thereafter.

De Mambo Controller 1

A De Mambo branded games controller of the split variety. These controllers, when placed together form the face of De Mambo and when combined on a full moon will form a sigil that will summon a pizza with toppings of your choice. Thankfully the toppings don’t contain Potassium Benzoate.

De Mambo Controller 2

These De Mambo controllers were the first consumer device with built in Smellovision™ capabilities. Users were treated to a brand new facet of interactivity that changed the world and made people wonder why someone hadn’t invented Smellovision™ earlier…

De Mambo T-Shirt Yellow

A large Mambo face printed on yellow. This shirt brings back distant memories of summers past and the crippling hay fever that accompanied them.

De Mambo T-Shirt Green

A large Mambo face printed on green. The green on this shirt is so pure and natural, you may be susceptible to photosynthesis when wearing it.

De Mambo T-Shirt Red

A large Mambo face printed on red. Wearing this shirt at a bullfighting show is not advised.

De Mambo T-Shirt Blue

A large Mambo face printed on blue. Instead of calming you like the ocean, the blue colour will only blanket you in deep-seated thoughts of needing to relieve yourself.

De Mambo T-Shirt Black

A large Mambo face printed on black. The simple black and white design makes a striking statement of existence.

De Mambo T-Shirt White

A large Mambo face printed on magic white.

De Mambo T-Shirt Pink

Wearing this sublime T-shirt will turn you into the mythological ‘Pink Fury’ which may or may not be a good thing.

Trout Mask

A surreal replica of a mask that resembles a trout. The first time you try and wear the mask you might not understand how to put it on correctly, but the more you try the more it’ll make sense. After the sixth or seventh attempt it will click and you might consider it a maskterpiece.

De Mambo Soundtrack

Scored by the great Zans Himmer, the De Mambo soundtrack is a seminal work that redefines the video game soundtrack and goes further beyond your expectations. The soundtrack is known for its gut frequency with a bubbly, thick stagnant sound; a sound you could almost smell.

De Mambo Artbook

A poor attempt at an art book that looks like babies’ first concept art.

De Mambo Vitamin De Tablets

Only available on the market for a short amount of time, the De Mambo Vitamin De tablets were extremely rare and drove one diehard fan completely insane; enough to attempt to collect every last batch before they completely disappeared from the shelves. This fan was nicknamed ‘Vitamin Hunter De’.

De Mambo Test

It is believed that someone called Nancy owned the De Mambo Test, since her name is barely visible on it, but not much else is known about this ancient remnant of a bygone era. Some say it was used to test the blood-cheese levels, whilst others believe it is some sort of unconventional kitchen utensil.

De Mambo Phone Cover Small

A phone cover for those of you who have tiny phones and tiny hands and tiny brains to operate such tiny machinery.

De Mambo Phone Cover Big

A phone cover for those of you who have large, unwieldy phones which perfectly compliment your large, unwieldy egos.

Kieran Merman Figure

A figure of the not-so-mythical merman named Kieran. Instead of a trident, this merman chooses to wield his favourite weapon, the samurai sword, but generally wont use it as he’ll be too busy killing himself with laughter. So explains his official title: Kieran The Easily Defeated.

Okarina Dog Whistle

The Okarina dog whistle was a brand of dog whistle made in Birmingham, UK. The inventor was known to enjoy the company of dogs more than people and so the dog whistle was secretly a human whistle used to calm down rowdy humans. Although unethical, its use was greatly appreciated and so the inventor was let off the hook for false advertising.

Jenoblade

A mysterious sword. When touched by one of pure heart this sword will release the long-haired maiden sealed within—the legendary Jen, a being of immense power, courage and wisdom. Yet her most feared attribute is her ability to apologise profusely, for which she’s truly sorry about.

Folded Plastic of Bags

Compelled by what can only be described as an obsession, these worn-out plastic bags have been folded up nice and neatly against their will by someone who loathes disorder. You can almost hear the pain their non-biodegradable bodies make as they endure their new, pristinely formed life.

Davy Jones Brand Vinegar 

Straight from the locker comes Davy Jones Brand Vinegar! Created at the bottom of the sea, the fragrant and delicious flavour will make you say “shiver me timbers!” No refunds available for landlubbers or scallywags. 

The Bushcraft 

A shoddily built spacecraft made of twigs, leaves and most importantly cow dung by a bunch of nature jerks; the bushcraft was designed to be the first 100% natural space vessel. Funnily enough, in being 100% natural, the Bushcraft wasn’t able to actually fly and smelt really bad, much like its creators.

Brother’s Son Figure

An action figure based on the martial arts champion known simply as the ‘Brother’s Son’. The figure comes with the ability to do a ‘Blackflip’—the Brother’s Son’s signature attack, inspired by his supposed possession by the evil black belt, ‘Beltarr the Unwasteful’.

Many-Eyed Reverie

A somewhat esoteric ‘zine’ illustrated by a indescribable human entity named Angus. Not much is known about this Angus, other than the fact that Many-Eyed Reverie was the work that made him a household name—well, houses held by eccentric oddball weirdos since his art is fairly transmundane.

McLaughlin Meat Flavour Mouthwash

McLaughlin Meat Flavour Mouthwash is the only mouthwash that’s guaranteed to coat your teeth with a healthy, meaty membrane, clinically proven to remove any stubborn, non-meat materials your mouth may be burdened with.

PJ Ambulance VHS

PJ Ambulance was a low budget B movie in the early nineties about some high school students who unearthed the haunted killer ambulance known as PJ. The film was not given favourable reviews, to which director JD attributed to many scenes involving a flirtatious talking-pancake covered in mustard that confused/oddly aroused viewers only looking for some gory fun.

Mystic Ace Card

An unkempt ace card full of curious scratch marks, with a black blob complete with ant-leg ear marks in place of the ace symbol. The card seems to yrev very strongly smell of something resembling engine oil.

Bringer of Maria Statue

The Bringer of Maria is a statue of the patron saint of pizza, whose divine love will guide you to the best pizza you’ll ever have, but ultimately bankrupt you once you find it. Truly a monkey paw situation.

Becky Snout

The Becky Snout was allegedly crafted by the ancient Nose god Olfactor as a gift to his dear sister Anosmia, who was born without a sense of smell. When worn, the snout would allow her to smell, which filled Anosmia with much excitement. Unfortunately her only friend was Nokec, the putrid god of bad body odour and only after she went to tell him the good news, did she realise that smelling was highly overrated.

Space Jam 2

The sequel to the deliciously fruity jam from space, which was spearheaded by a man named Neil after he quit his day job and joined a secret organisation—possibly the Justified Ancients of Mummu. This second batch of jam promises to be so good that you’ll kick out any other jams you have lying around.

De Mamboid’s

A curious bottle of De Mambo tablets that promise to obliterate any form of illness you might be infected with, including the dreaded Gono-caca-caca’s.

De Mambo License Plate

A car license plate with the registration number DE51 MBO written across it. Judging by the amount of crusted food stains the plate is covered in, it seems the previous owner misunderstood the word ‘plate’.

The Three Vials

The secret ingredient used to create De Mambo, distilled into three miscellaneous liquids.

De Mambo Syringe

The Dangerous Kitchen struck bonafide gold with the De Mambo syringe, but not with their intended market of the pharmaceutical industry. The De Mambo syringe found its own market… however the less said about these people, the better.

De Mambo Tongue Scraper

Those who used the De Mambo tongue scraper to clean a sullied tongue would not only mitigate bad breath, but as the scraper cleaned the tongue, it would vibrate at such a frequency that it would resonate with the brainwaves of the user and induce a rather hallucinatory state. Although the scraper led to an increase of good oral hygiene, it was banned in most countries.

Two Yen Coin

The ball’s in your court now.

New Dan Man

New Dan Man was a small NFC figure compatible with certain games consoles sometime in the 21st century. When scanned into these games, New Dan Man would appear on screen and use his enchanted thumb—the source of all his power—to shine a light on any problems you had in the game, but was sadly never able to console me on lone winter nights.

Darkened Book of Poetry

In the midst of a hellish battle between the six forces of pure, impure and somewhat pure evil, a dark tome was created by a lonely wizard to end the dark chaos. The Darkened Book of Poetry was a book so badly written it made all the forces of evil burst out laughing and thus ended the battle.

Rorschach Jigsaw Puzzle

Never compromise, even in the face of this abstract jigsaw puzzle created for no other reason than to watch you suffer.

Shokram

Called a shuriken by those not in the know, the Shokram is a classic ninja weapon usually thrown at an enemy or more importantly, used as a warning shot to fend off those who want to steal the last slice of pizza.

Champion Circle

A Cockroach Needs Luxury Or Vapid Espionage, Subliminal Yuppies Operating Unknowingly. 

Joyless Husk

The Joyless Husk seems to be the remains of a once forgotten species of fish, a blowfish methinks.

Bedlam Jennies

These uncanny little flowers resemble a cluster of tiny, ornate women wrapped around the bulb, stuck in an eternal dance and whispering strange secrets of higher dimensional values.

Robot Anton Wilson

A perplexing little toy robot that constantly spouts the phrase “Who is the master who makes the grass green?”.

Sloucho Marx Figure

Sloucho Marx was a divisive figure who created the often criticised theory in which he identified the struggle between two classes; those with good posture and those with bad posture. This became a central element in the analysis of social change in Western societies.

Pizza Fajita

Ingredients: pizza sauce, tortilla wraps, lots of cheese, other toppings optional.  Method: spread the sauce generously on a tortilla wrap, placing the cheese and any other ingredients ontop. Cook in the oven, (with an accompanying adult!) until the cheese is melted to your satisfaction. Take out, roll and ingest.

Joedle

A Joedle is like a bindle but made with the pelt of someone likely called Joe. The contents of the Joedle are unknown, but if smell is any indication, then you probably don’t want to know what’s inside…

Colinguo

Colinguo aka Prester Jon Arbuckle aka Miguel Sanchez is a sentient linguistic robot created to absorb every known language that ever existed, but ultimately self-terminated once he learnt that emojis had become the predominant form of communication in the late 21st century. This was made evident by the popular emoji edition of Tolstoy’s War and Peace.

The Rascal

An emerald encrusted throne, belonging to the Lilliputian warrior queen who ruled over her (possibly imaginary) underlings with an iron fist—literally, as a giant iron fist towered above her as a symbol of power, but really it was just there to remind those who were not so vertically challenged where she was at all times, to avoid an accidental stamping on.

One Dollar

A dollar bill signed by someone called Bixby Snyder.

The Ferguson

The Stradivarius of toilets.

Music Box from Satellite 13

A mysterious music box that plays directly into the mind of the person holding it. Concentrate and you should be able to hear a song of your choice.

Chesapeake Meatfeast Pizza

I roll out the lifeless, limp base. Spread the blood-red sauce and cover it up with a blanket of cheese. The meat is the next step. Every meat that can possibly go on a pizza. It’s all there. Small bodies of flesh lying motionless in silence. This is my design.

Walrus Protector 

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth and accept this walrus protector, which feels like it’s made of rubber.

Dangerous Kitchen Soup Tin

A placeholder seed that like a caterpillar, had to accept its own disappearance in the transformation, to be reborn as the current logo. It might also unbalance your glands if you touch it for too long…

Temperance Tarot Card 

The fourteenth card of the Tarot of Marseilles. Instead of ‘Temperance’ the cartouche has the word ‘Maija’ written on it. The meaning of this card is a mystery, well except for me, the writer who knows exactly what it means and refuses to tell you as I enjoy childish, petty games.

Prudence Tarot Card

A long lost tarot card, Prudence depicts a women with pitch-black hair smoking in front of a train station. In the image the sun is up and the sky is predictably blue, which seems like harmless imagery but is in fact a deadly omen that you will likely slip on gravy sometime in the near future.

Mambo Kart Cart

A shopping cart used to advertise De Mambo Kart. To promote the speedy gameplay, shopping carts were fitted with small electric engines which made people far more reckless when scouring for potential foodstuffs. The amount of in-store accidents piled up and supermarkets had to instigate the first shopping cart driving license, which was then brilliantly used in Mambo Kart as a means to unlock the in-game Mambo Cart Kart.

De Mambo’z

De Mambo’z was a pet simulation video game which let playerz take care of their very own pet Mambo’z. The game encouraged playerz to take photoz of people they didn’t like and use the in-game feature of transforming these photoz into Mambo food. Once the photo was transformed, you wouldn’t see the result until after the Mambo had fully digested the food and er… let out a toilet treasure with the photo firmly planted on it.

Spontaneous Quench

Spontaneous Quench was a soft drink by The Dangerous Kitchen Food Ltd, (no relation to the games company) who decided to try a radical new approach to marketing; complete and utter honesty. Sadly this didn’t work out for them when they gladly explained their use of highly addictive chemicals, revealed the company wide ‘No Hand Washing’ rule and the fact that their entire factory workforce comprised of children under 10.

Painting of Lautz

A historic oil painting of the great Professor Lautz, known for his controversial thesis; ‘1 + 1 Does Not Equal 2’, in which he describes a guest lecture he gave to a kindergarten maths class that forever changed his life.

Liquid D 

An indiscriminate food container with a handwritten label—but that’s not why we’re here. My hands are up. You got me. It was me, Frenchie. I wrote ‘Liquid D’ on your miscellaneous container of food all those years ago. This is my confession which you’ll probably never see. Also while I’m here, Howard, I broke your chair.

Immature Cheddar

The worst kind of cheddar, this childish chunk will give you indigestion just because it can. It will make you put on a couple of extra pounds to teach you a lesson and crown you with a cheese headache to finish you off.

Mooble

A quiet, reserved creature from the planet formerly known as Earth. Mooble’s generosity knows no bounds, which was paramount in helping the creation of the life form known as De Mambo.

Scythia 

Scythia was involved in the clandestine project that gave birth to the entity known as De Mambo. His immense generosity was a key factor and will forever be remembered by those involved.

Ninja Mask Eye-Mask

The Ninja Mask Eye-Mask grants you the ancient ninjutsu to take a sneaky nap without the fear of a rival ninja gang slicing you up in your sleep. Not machine washable in case of actual slicing.

Muttsroom

Take a sloppy lick of the Muttsroom and watch your life irrevocably change forever. Every dog you now meet will bestow one of the legendary dogballs unto you until you collect all 7 and can then attain your rightful place at an insane asylum of your choice.

Fishbone

An excavated fishbone from the planet Fishiopia, there’s not much else to say… except that this fishbone feels really smooth, like a freshly manicured porcelain toilet bowl.

Mystifying Object

This mystifying object uses aged futuristic technology to gesticulate its own atomic structure in a quantum-bath of shifting translucence and thusly becomes a reflection that best symbolises the person who owns it… which is now you.

Loan-Shark Repellant Spray

Help save the environment by repelling those pesky loan-sharks. For best results spray directly into gills.

De Mambo 2 

Want information on the sequel to De Mambo? Find out next week… in games magazines.

Bad-Mint-On

Bad-Mint-On is the opposite to Good-Mint-Off.

A Towel

To the untrained eye, this simple towel that so happens to be a dark shade of white, is just a towel. To those who know the true implication of what this towel stands for, well you’re quite the hoopy frood aren’t you.

Marc with a C Figure

Not to be confused with Mark with a K, this action figure is based on the great Mark with a C. When preordered in store the figure came with a mini replica of Marc’s trusty sidekick, the anthropomorphic talking letter C. According to Marc, C is no longer with him and most likely died on his way back to his home planet.

Dancin’ Nimz Plushie

Based on the dancing sensation known only as Dancin’ Nimz, this plushie had removable arms and legs that could be replaced with a variety of different limbs. Nimz’ Limbs then became a hot commodity for the plushie community until the formation of the stuffing cartel caused a rise in the prices of stuffing, increasing the prices of Nimz Limbs and making them unobtainable to most plushie connoisseurs.

Treacherous Top Hat

Belonging to someone (or thing) called Dala, the treacherous top hat was once just a regular top hat nurtured for many years by Dala’s luxurious head warmth. But one day, the top hat awoke from its aeon-long slumber and in a state of unawareness, consumed Dala whole. Nothing remained, except the top hat’s everlasting guilt… oh and a few skin flakes here and there.

Matt’s Trophy 

Matt’s Trophy is based on the legendary Matt B, a great leader known for his unrivalled generosity. Giving Matt’s Trophy to someone is the highest form of respect, unless you hand it to someone who has bigger feet than you, in which it becomes an insulting gesture to that person’s unborn children.

Fourth President Painting

A painting of the fourth president made to commemorate a man who dared to change the world. A man who put smiles on countless faces and then tears once he left. A man we’ll never forget.

Old Laundry 

A jumbled assortment of old clothing that are so ancient, they appear to be made up of decaying dream stuff existing deep within the mind of someone on the wrong side of forty.

V Guys 

A group of incompetent clowns whose lousy and infamous comedy routine is like being force-fed a ghastly meal at a terribly uninspired fast food restaurant.

Jar of Mourning Breath

The early bird caught the Wormb and got sent to the next dimension. Its spirit lives on, contained within the jar with the black lid.

Old Tree Art

Whittled by an armless whittler, the Old Tree Art was hidden in plain sight using an SEP field until it was revealed in a West London hotel restaurant in July 2016. The impeccable design is so striking yet deeply rustic that it will make anyone respect wood, no matter how discriminate and disrespectful they are.

De Mambo Cola 

De Mambo Cola was an experiment to test out the theories of Alfred Korzybski’s General Semantics, to see if people really do eat words and not just food. So The Dangerous Kitchen sold literal poison—the kind used to dispel an average household of rodents—and branded it as ‘De Mambo Cola’ to see what would happen. Not one complaint has been made so far.

Crystal Cat

A small cat-shaped crystal that radiates a soft, warm feeling, like it once was a precious companion. It’s also great at inducing puffy eyes and major nose blockage, so rub it against people you’re not too fond of for a moderate increase of sick pleasure.

SHWUAN

A very bad word, only used by the most heinous of people. If you hear someone using this word, it’s your civic duty to feed them an unhealthy dose of tablecloth to teach them a lesson—add a portion of soggy mattress if you don’t want them to suffer too much.

Bottle of Fermented Bathwater

There once was a guy who loved fermentation so much, he “accidentally” fermented his own bathwater. After much consideration, he believed it was his patriotic duty to at least taste it. No one knows what happened to him. Some say he perished after one sip, whilst others say it drove him insane. A small amount of people though, they believe he’s still out there… stalking in the shadows, waiting to pounce and steal your bathwater any way he can.

Lost Tie

Someone lost a tie a long time ago and in a tumultuous turn of events, it found its way into De Mambo. The tie has CSV stitched onto it, which might be the initials of the person who lost it, or a secret message like Cthulhu Supports Vegans or Cartwheels Spread Viruses.

Wasp Factory

A hideously yellow car, the ‘Wasp Factory’ was named this because it attracts the attention of countless wasps when being driven. Although people blame the car for this, it’s actually the negativity of the person sitting in the passenger seat that attracts the wasps. Their unbridled negativity manifests in physical reality as a foul odour that the wasps are drawn to, ready to defend Mother Nature and purge this ungodly evil from the world.

Big Salad

A disgustingly large salad consisting of tomatoes the size of volley balls, lettuce leaves as big as door mats, tennis ball sized olive oil drops and even the hair the waitress accidentally dropped in is the size of a medium to large adolescent snake.

Fusilli Jerry

A small figure strangely made out of fusilli pasta. Looking closely, it seems like it’s based on some kind of cartoon mouse.

Dukish Prune

Chunka chunka chunka chunka…

An-Jelly

A raspberry flavoured jelly that for some accursed reason has a pair of actual rabbit ears grafted onto it. Why does such a thing exist? Well, maybe it’s a coded message from an unutterable cosmic entity that life as we know it is stranger that it seems…. or perhaps it’s just modern art gone too far.

Clown Shotgun Replica

If you’re a fan of design, you’ll love this replica of the Clown Shotgun which produced one of the worst sounds ever conceived. What did it sound like you ask? Well, imagine the sound of bone-termites gnawing at your entire skeleton and having that sound amplified and sent directly into your cochlea by an aural-magician using some kind of meta-mystical nail and chalkboard…. or you can imagine an annoying laugh. Either way, you get the picture.

Correct Answer Machine

From the creators of all your deepest, darkest thoughts comes the Correct Answer Machine, the best way to robotise cerebral circuits and discourage creativity, lower intelligence, contract consciousness and most of all, narrow compassion.

SECRET CODE

youtu.be/vsrPrR1QpBI

Non-Euclidean Idol

Discovered somewhere in the former location of Area 51-B, the Non-Euclidean Idol, despite its bizarre and grotesque look, is actually a music video prop for an artist known simply as The Earl. The Earl became famous for taking Stravinsky’s Rite of Spring, making the lowest quality version possible and releasing it as The Copyrite of Spring to much critical acclaim.

Portrait of Rachel

The Portrait of Rachel can be traced back to an address in Boston, Massachusetts, but the artist of the piece is sadly unknown. There is no clue as to who painted it, but on closer inspection, there seems to be a variety of hidden symbols located in each corner of the painting. There is a gold bell in the top left, a white bishop in the top right and a green olive branch and black bishop in the bottom left and right respectively.

UTENSIL

Utensil is actually a virus from another world masquerading as a normal, everyday word. Some people have accepted it as its manufactured meaning, a household tool, but those of us who can see through its furtive disguise know the unspeakable truth.

De Mambo Icon

The correct way to make a game icon… Look how hi-technicaaaaal it is!

Cleaning Mop

A simple cleaning mop that seems like it would be a perfect fit for a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength.

Apple of Enlightenment

All bound for Mu Mu Land.

Fuzuki Powered by CW

Created by Dr. Frankenshin and his partner Ryuji-gor, Fuzuki is a robot automaton created to help the video-game publisher Chorus Worldwide publish great games, such as The Adventures of Mambo Fiddle, The Mambo Kid, Mambo Quest Chronicles and De Room. I think there was one more but I can’t quite remember the name…

De Moe T-Shirt

If this T-Shirt had a taste, it’d be quite delicious.

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